Washington crossing the Delaware: painting by emanuel luetze
I was mad as hornet.
As I mentioned before, last year was difficult–the last month of the year was the icing on the cake.
Ever since I announced on Facebook that I am working on a marriage kit, marriage has been hard for me.
Has this happened to you?
My husband couldn’t do anything right, he didn’t do enough, he didn’t pay attention, he didn’t help with the kids enough, he wasn’t helping in the kitchen. I was feeling like a one woman show.
For those of you who know Mike-you know none of that is true. But for me, last month, it was!
Suddenly, I couldn’t see one good thing about this husband of mine that I’ve been with for almost 20 years. He was making me crazy and mostly for reasons I couldn’t put my finger on.
Everyday that I would wake up still kind of bugged at him, I would think, “Oh great! Another day that our marriage is going down the tubes and I’ve got to write a marriage kit! Lovely.”
When Mike read this, before I published it, he said it was a hard month for him, too. He was struggling. There were a bunch of things on his mind and he was overwhelmed.
When your marriage feels stuck.
Our marriage kept feeling darker and darker. I couldn’t figure it out.
But I was getting mad. Especially since I had publicly committed to this marriage kit. I am not a person who can fake it when I create something. It has to come from my soul. I have to mean it.
Recently, I read this from Don Miller’s book, Storyline, “Just sitting down to my job everyday is a revolutionary act. It may not feel like it, but by showing up at the office and facing the mundane nature of the work, I’m pushing back against academic inequality. I get up, I do my work.”
Sometimes that’s the way marriage is.
Sometimes you’re both having a hard time and you feel like you’re walking alone. That isn’t the time to give up. Marriage, and life in general, can feel like an uphill battle. Occasionally, it feels like you’re fighting it alone. It doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. It doesn’t mean that you’re no longer meant for each other. It doesn’t mean that things won’t change. It doesn’t mean that it’s not going to get better.
There isn’t always romantic music playing as we flash through the difficult and happy moments of our life’s movie.
“In real life there’s no dramatic music playing in the war scenes, it’s just mud and trenches and bullets and blood.” [Don Miller]
Mud and muck don’t sound romantic but sometimes that’s what marriage is. You get up every morning and you do the work. It’s a revolutionary act to save your marriage everyday. To fight against the urge to quit, to be complacent, to become apathetic, to walk away.
Marriage is living to prove what real love does.
Marriage isn’t roses everyday. Marriage is meaningful, though. It’s fun and powerful. Marriage is life changing and character building and people building. It’s dizzying and ground shattering. Marriage is heartbreaking and soul filling.
The mundane stuff we do for our spouse, showing up, listening when we are tired, holding our tongues instead of letting our words fly, sitting close when we want to walk away…these are revolutionary acts.
Showing up everyday.
Waiting out the rough patch. These are ways we fight for our marriages.
Marriage, fighting for it and living for it. This is revolutionary.
side note on the painting “Washington Crossing the Delaware”: This painting makes the moment look incredibly epic. In real life this moment happened in the middle of the night in a snowstorm, there was no ice, there were no other boats, the sun wasn’t shining, the light wasn’t perfect, and I imagine George Washington wasn’t looking or feeling his best. Crossing the Delaware was just some men doing what had to be done. They got up in the middle of the night and did the work that had to be done to fight this battle. It wasn’t glamorous. It wasn’t pretty. They knew that what they were doing was revolutionary. They were revolutionary.
Davina believes that there’s beauty to be found even on the muddiest of marriage days. Keep coming back for more in this marriage series.
Make sure to sign up to get details on her new Marriage Kit [coming soon].
6 Comments
Dear Miss Davina,
It sounds like you had a December like mine. Thank you for this post. Thank you for your honesty. When you’re counseling others, it can be hard to admit that you have rough days too. I appreciate that honesty because it means that even the best of us have hard times…and there’s hope for the rest of us. Bless you as you venture to help people have the very best marriages and families possible. Bless you for the ways you’ve blessed my marriage and family. And continued blessings as you push forward as a force of good in this world. I hardly know you, but you have a very special place in my heart and life. You are one of my heroes. 🙂 Teri Hales
Teri, thank you so much for this awesome note! We all do have our days. Recognizing and saying it aloud lets us all be okay with the ebb and flow of our daily life. Somedays I live in my element of feeling all of that good of my life…other days I fight for it. I know that everyday can be easy but the truth is that I don’t approach every day like it’s easy. On those days, showing up is the good that I can do. Thank you so much for your encouragement, understanding words. I think you are fantastic and I’m so glad that I know you. You are a light and are doing so much good for those you influence, Teri. xoxo
This is a wonderful post!! Real, honest and true. That quote by Don Miller is perfect. Life is real, life is hard, life is mundane but showing up and doing what is needed day in and day out builds something more powerful and meaningful(whether a family or a marriage) than ever could be built if we were alone.
Emily, that last sentence you said is so beautiful. It’s true! We are building something powerful when we show up everyday to do the work! Thank you. 🙂
Just happened to click a Pinterest link that lead me here! Thanks so much for the real-life, gritty truth and encouragement. Simple and so profound 🙂 Looking forward to reading more!
Thank you, Lauren! I’m so glad that you made your way here through Pinterest! Welcome! I appreciate you letting me know that this post connected with you. It’s true, isn’t it? Marriage is amazing but it’s messy, too, in a wonderful kind of way. Here’s to being marriage revolutionaries! 🙂