It’s Sunday night.
We are sitting in our fort all nestled on the couches with blankets and pillows. Emmett and Miriam are sitting next to each other. We’ve all just been to church (and so you’d think what happened there would have sunk in).
Unexpected sucker punch
Suddenly, from nowhere, one of them has said something that may or may not have been innocent. Immediately cutting digs are thrown back and forth.
The two of them are expert at knowing just how to throw a word-filled jab to the soft and tender places of the other. It usually happens late at night or after a long and difficult day. Either way…they both know far to well what will hurt.
Why do they think they can do that?
In our house we’ve told our kids they are welcome to speak their minds. They can say what they think. Throwing word daggers out just to see if they will land somewhere soft and tender, though, isn’t okay.
They can tell someone they don’t like how they were treated or the way they are doing something. But the backhanded rudeness and under the breath words that bite and words like always and never just aren’t fighting fairly.
Put three teenagers in a room
Emotions run really high at our house. We have three teenagers and they are quickly learning the fine art of teasing as they fumble through the landmine of knowing what to do with all of that over-the-top expression of every feeling they have.
How parenting toddlers and teenagers is so different and so the same
I have talked with so many parents about the physical exhaustion that comes with raising little kids and the emotional/mental exhaustion that accompanies raising teenagers. Both parts of parenting are so different and both of them do the same thing…drive us to the edge of exhaustion to a place that sometimes leaves you wondering what is left to do with them and with yourself.
What I did while they fought
Last night-at at time when I wanted to give into the emotional crisis and lose it too-I stepped back from the situation and attempted to get my bearing. Instead of getting bugged about the way my kids were acting, I asked myself about the way I would like them to act. Immediately, I know that I have begun to feel better by being grateful through my instagram project. I also knew that I wanted my kids to see what they loved and admired about each other (because I knew it was in there somewhere).
The inspiration that came
Instead of trying to breakup the fight I told them they could say what they were saying but it would need to be followed up by saying 2 reasons they were grateful for each other. And it couldn’t have anything to do with looks and it had to be specific. (They couldn’t say, “I like your hair” or “You’re cool.”)
Surprisingly, or maybe not surprisingly, they came up with ideas that immediately diffused the mean words and feelings of angry-ness that had been filling the room. They said things like, “I like the way you are thoughtful of other people when they’ve had a bad day.” and “I like it when you take me for rides in the car and it’s just you and me and we talk about stuff.”
Most of the time, in so many situations , we are angry or frustrated or sad because we feel like we haven’t been seen, that we aren’t measuring up to someone elses’s ideals or, more likely, our own. We feel like we aren’t enough…just the way we are. And we aren’t the only ones…our kids are feeling it, too.
Having those feelings replaced with gratitude and a quick reminder from those we love most, admire most, the ones that we most want to be seen and appreciated by, can fill us up and remind us that we do, indeed, have awesomeness to give the world.
If you like this story, here are some steps that might inspire your familyness…
How to create less fighting and more gratitude
Let them know ahead of time that they will be balancing their perfecting nature with gratitude
Allow your kids to say their words with out biting commentary
Once they’ve said (or when they say biting commentary) ask them to share 2 specific reasons they are grateful for the person they’ve given perfecting instructions to
Notice more getting along
Express your gratitude for them being brave, let them know that you notice the change and the feeling of love in your home (even if it’s a miniscule change!!)
What surprised me most
I’ve been feeling like my kids have been getting under each other’s skin quite a bit lately. And ,instead of being a mom, I’ve become referee. Stepping between acts of aggression and words spears flying across the room. On Sunday, I made a mental note to make sure my gratitude idea was instituted every time aggression and/or biting daggers flew.
It’s Thursday, and I kid you not, I’ve yet to tell someone that they need to say why they are grateful because of mean words or attempts at strangling.
Being seen. Being acknowledged. It matters. Being told that what you give to the world has not fallen on deaf ears or gone unseen changes the dynamics of a family.
It’s so simple.
Davina Fear is a Familyness Adventurer. She is expert at building forts and enjoys the challenge of seeing, what appears to be a lame situation, as an unexpected opportunity.
She blogs at davinafear.com and believes in the non-cheesy smile.
By day, I photograph families. By night, I build forts the size of elephants with my family. I live in a yellow house. I believe real life is the best getaway ever.
3 Comments
I’m actually thinking this idea would be great for the adults too. We may not throw word daggers intentionally just to find tender spots, but still, I know that my own words, even when meant with good intentions, can land hard. Trying to include gratitude into corrections, suggestions and discussions seems like it could help shift everyone’s perspective into a positive place of growth rather than one of negativity, nagging or complaints that can be taken personally. Glad it’s working in your house! 🙂
Zesty mom! Such a great thought! I definitely think think this idea would be wonderful with adults, too. Creating a positive space at any point in teaching and guiding kids and especially between parents would be fantastic. Thank you!
I needed this today. My kids are downstairs, right now and it sounds like World War III. I’m up here trying to figure out what (besides joining the scramble and screaming my head off) I can do. Now, to take a few deep breaths, remember why I am SO grateful they are both in my life and head down into the war with some hugs and appreciative words. I can do this!!