We’ve just returned from Africa. We’ve been working with Thirst Relief International to bring fresh water to villages where children have been dying from contaminated water. We traveled for miles on rivers to get to people who were bathing with animals in the same water they drank from. The trip was difficult and there were obstacles all along the way. We discovered it wasn’t as romantic as it had seemed while we were in our comfortable home in South Carolina. The trip changed us though and we are looking forward to our next opportunity, coming up in a few months.
And then I woke up.
It was just a dream.
It had felt so real. I wanted it to be real!
From the time that we were married I have wanted to travel with our kids to places around the globe, giving them the opportunity to see the advantages and experiences, disadvantages and turmoil of others. To be moved by what is happening in the world…for good and for bad.
It hasn’t happened though.
For many reasons we’ve not traveled. We’ve set goals and made pacts. We’ve created funds and re0organized to try to make it happen.
A couple of years ago I realized that in chasing I was missing the dream I was already living. And I knew it was time to let go of what I wanted and love what I have around me.
That’s not to say I wasn’t enjoying my life as it was but I would have a pang of sadness run through me when I would think of my unrealized dreams.
I think Joseph Campbell said it beautifully: “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
It’s easy as parents to make plans for the life that we think will be the best one for our family, for our kids, for our spouse. For most of our life I had convinced myself that the only way for my kids to learn compassion, understanding, and caring was to go around the world seeing what other people experience, learning first hand what it’s like to live in dire circumstances, and giving to the community on a global scale. I wanted to make the world their classroom and believed that it was the only way for them to have the deep and abiding experiences that would form their outlook.
It’s easy to ask, “What went wrong? How is it that my dreams didn’t come true?”
We hear people everywhere telling us that we can have everything we dream of and more.
I believe that sometimes life has something richer in store for us than we have planned.
Instead, I’ve asked myself, “What am I to learn from this?” “What progress have we made as a family?” “What good have we done?” “What good could we be doing right around us?”
“Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.” -John Lennon
That quote used to really bug me. I used to think that making things happen. Chasing your dreams…that was what life was made of…
And I realize I’ve not missed my dream. I’m living a dreamy life.
I have a beautiful home. We’ve built a happy family together. I have so much that makes this dream amazing.
Often when we focus on the dreams we don’t have, we miss the one we are already living.
Steps for Embracing Now:
1) Decide whether now is the season for your dream that you’ve been chasing. If it is, be active in pursuing it. Make a plan, take the steps you need to take. If it’s not the season, go to step number 2.
2) Begin to become aware of the ways you are already living a pretty awesome dream. Start by writing 3 things you love about one person in your family each day.
3) Think about the dream that is not in season. Why is it one of your dreams? Why do you want to do it? What do you hope to gain from it? What do you hope to give because of the dream?
4) Try inserting those hopes and feelings and things you would like to learn into your daily life now. For example, if you wish you could make a difference in the lives of people who are suffering because they are living without the necessities of life find a homeless shelter or refugee shelter where you could volunteer. If you would like for your family to experience compassion for others who are suffering consider having your children become pen pals with cancer patients who have treatments at the local hospital. Create ways for the results or journey of your dreams to happen in your life and as an adventure in your own familyness.
5) Remember that the familyness adventure you’re living right now is your dream life. It’s okay if your dreams have changed. Having a baby changes your world and the way you envision life playing out. Just because you’re not chasing your pre-family dreams doesn’t mean that you are doing less to contribute to society. In fact, just in being an aware, loving, compassionate, parent who provides a safe place for your child(ren) to land is a huge gift to our world. Enjoying the dreams you’re creating everyday (even in this trip to our local pumpkin farm) makes a difference for your kids and family in exponential ways.
6) Evaluate whether this dream is yours only or a family dream. A couple of years ago Mike and I got super excited about selling our house and buying an RV and road tripping around the country for a year or so. We would pull our kids out of school and homeschool on the road. So much of our idea was so appealing and fun. We took it to our kids and some were whole-heartedly for it and one thought is was an ok idea with some some stipulations and one of them was dead set against it. Once Emmett made the cut for the premier group at school all bets were off. Yes, we could have said, “We are the parents and we are doing this dream. You’ll thank us for it.” At the same time, I want to honor my children’s dreams. The RV trip was not our family dream and so it will wait for another moment when it can be our dream…or maybe we’ll find another re-imagined way to do something similar.
Writing this has reminded me that while some of my original dreams of traveling the world may have to wait, I can still do them…just more on a local level and in the vision and experiences that I’m giving my children. Years ago when I realized that my dream could be part of my life right now I got involved with Thirst Relief International and created what became one of their biggest fundraisers of the year. As a family, we also got involved locally with a homeless shelter and food delivery service for people who couldn’t leave their homes. Over the years the Thirst Relief Auction became something that needed to be managed by systems that could handle who big it was and our work locally changed. It’s time for us to find new ways to be involved in ways that bring about what I love about my dream.
What dream have you been chasing that you know needs to wait for a new season? How are you thinking of incorporating it into your familyness adventures?
Davina Fear is a Familyness Adventurer. She enjoys October in the South, leaves that fall like snow when the wind blows, occasionally speaks in her Chrysler Building voice, and loves Panera brownies more than she should.
She blogs at davinafear.com and her favorite color is Davina blue (that’s what her family calls it). She is currently reading “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years” by Donald Miller for the 2nd time (and she doesn’t read books twice very often).
Have you gotten her FREE book: The Art of Familyness Photography? Make sure to get it here.
By day, I photograph families. By night, I build forts the size of elephants with my family. I live in a yellow house. I believe real life is the best getaway ever.
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